It's late at night. We sit rocking gently in the warm glow of your night light. I can smell Myles clean skin straight from the bath and feel his little feet fidget. His fingers on one hand gently rub and poke at my soft tummy and the other hand rests on my chest rising and falling with my breaths. While I listen to him rhythmically suck, gulp, breath, suck, gulp, breath. It is during this time that I say my prayers and think how lucky I am to experience this. Once Myles little tummy has rounded out I snuggle him up to my chest where he belches (not a sweet little burp). I hold him there with his legs bunched up like a little froggy and listen to his sweet noisy breaths (congestion from acid reflux makes them noisy). We sing our songs (I see the Moon) and say his prayers before I begrudgingly lay him down, knowing that I will wish I had done it sooner in a few hours when we are up again.
Everything I just wrote is true. However, so is this:
I lay awake at night on my wet bed, breasts engorged praying for you to wake up so that I can find some relief and go to sleep again. I curse whatever meal I just ate that seems to be giving you gas or contributing to your acid reflux. I creepily stare longingly at your Daddy while he sleeps soundly and I am wide awake in the middle of the night. I wish I could have multiple drinks (no I don't want to get drunk, a hungover might kill me, but just to socially sit around with drinks... ahhhh). I have to plan my run around my breasts being empty, and pray I might get a shower in before Myles needs to eat again (I hate feeding him sweaty, it creeps me out). I know I could pump a bottle to avoid some of these things, but that is just as much work as anything else, and I also have to watch how much I pump due to my awesome ability to hyper-lactate. I look at myself in the mirror on the way to the shower and quickly turn away praying that if I do 5 million ab workouts that my tummy might change again, but what about my breasts?! I sure hope Victoria has a good secret up her sleeve to take care of these. Oh yes, and don't forget about trying to be modest while feeding your baby: sweating and sticking your head under a nursing cover which does wonders for you hair, hanging out in the other room while you listen to the fun conversations your friends or family are having together, sitting in a fitting room at target, or a hot car in the parking lot. What about that terrifying moment when you are out and about and you feel your milk let down and pray silently, "Please don't leak through my shirt!" I also imagine Jordan could chime in on some of the effects of a few extra hormones, but we will just stop there :)
Then again...
I am guaranteed to get snuggles and have an excuse to steal my adorable baby back from everyone who wants to snuggle him. I get to hold him close to me multiple times each day. I know he needs me and wants me, and lets face it he won't always. I am pretty sure we are saving a little cash. He is getting some good stuff out of me. I attribute some of my postpartum weight loss to this calorie burning process. This also gives me an excuse for the occasional extra snack (I'm still eating for two, right?!). It has been a process and it may not last as long as I would like once we are back in school, but hey we are doing it now and that is all I can say. Every mother and baby's experience is different and in my opinion there is nothing wrong with formula or nursing your baby until you think its appropriate. So I am not going to say what I would do or that I have loved it or that it has been hard or worth it or I hate it. It just is what it is.
No comments:
Post a Comment